How do you support someone who is grieving?

When someone close to you loses a family member or friend, it is natural to worry about saying the wrong thing. Most people feel that way. You do not need the perfect words, though. In most cases your presence, your patience, and a simple offer of practical help matter far more than finding exactly the right thing to say.

This guide answers the questions people usually have: whether to reach out when you do not know what to say, what to say and what to avoid, the practical help that genuinely makes a difference, whether to keep in touch after the funeral, and when someone might need more support.

Should you reach out, even if you do not know what to say?

Yes. The most common regret people describe is not saying the wrong thing, but saying nothing at all, usually because they were waiting to find the right words. A grieving person rarely remembers the exact wording of a message. They remember who took the time to send one.

A short text, card or call is enough. You do not have to raise the death directly if that feels like too much; even "thinking of you today" tells the person they are on your mind. If you would rather write than phone, our guide on what to write in a sympathy card has lines you can adapt.

What should you say?

Keep it simple and honest. "I am so sorry for your loss" says what needs saying. If you knew the person who passed away, a specific memory means a great deal, something like "I still remember your dad teaching half the street to fish."

Two things help more than any particular phrase. The first is following their lead. Some people want to talk about the person who passed away almost straight away; others do not. If they want to share stories, listen. If they would rather sit quietly, that is fine too. The second is being willing to say the person's name. Many people find it comforting, because it shows their person has not been forgotten. If the conversation becomes emotional, let it, rather than steering it somewhere easier. For what to say when you see the family at the service, our guide on funeral etiquette covers it.

What should you avoid saying?

Most unhelpful comments come from trying to explain the loss or find a bright side. They are almost always well meant, and they can still sting.

Avoid comparing their loss to your own, and avoid suggesting how they should feel or how soon they should recover. Grief keeps no timetable, and being told otherwise, however gently, rarely helps.

What practical help really makes a difference?

This is where most people can do the most good, and it is the part most often overlooked. In the days and weeks after a death, ordinary tasks become hard to manage, and a grieving family is usually too overwhelmed to ask for help, or even to know what they need.

The trick is to offer something specific rather than "let me know if you need anything", which quietly hands them another decision. Name a task and a time.

Offer one thing you can genuinely follow through on, then do it. Help of this kind is often more use than anything you could think to say.

Should you keep checking in after the funeral?

Yes, and this is the part most people miss. Support tends to arrive in a rush in the first fortnight, then falls away as everyone returns to their own lives. For the grieving person, that is often when the reality sinks in.

A message or a visit a few weeks or months on, when the calls have stopped, can matter more than anything in the first week. Birthdays, anniversaries and the first Christmas are especially hard, and can bring grief back as strongly as the early days. A short message on those dates, letting the person know you remember, is always worth sending.

When might someone need extra support?

Grief is a natural response to loss, not an illness, and most people move through it with the support of family and friends around them. There is no single right way to grieve, and no timetable for it.

Sometimes, though, a person struggles for a long stretch: unable to manage day to day week after week, withdrawing from everyone, or saying they cannot see a way forward. If you notice this, you can gently suggest they speak with their GP, who can point them to grief counselling. Griefline (1300 845 745, 8am to 8pm every day) offers free grief support over the phone. If you are ever worried about someone's immediate safety, contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 at any hour.

Frequently asked questions

A final word

Most people remember very little of what was said to them after a death. They remember who came, who called, who checked in a month later, and who quietly stayed in their lives after everyone else returned to normal. If you care about someone who is grieving, that steady presence is often the greatest thing you can give.

When you are ready

• What to write in a sympathy card
• Funeral flowers: what to send
• What to do when someone passes away in Australia
• Funeral etiquette: a simple guide
• Find a funeral director near you